He didn't register on my radar the first time I met him. It was a mild bleep then it was gone. There was a small moment when he did but it quickly faded away into nothing until that fateful afternoon that the gods decided our lives were to intertwine in a way that has become so hard to unravel.
We became friends. Yes, friends.
From the outside, it seemed like he would make for a great boyfriend. You see, he gets me. He doesn't get me all the time but he makes an effort to try and get me. He adjusts and make ways so that we fix things and sort things out. He remembers the things that I like and don't like. He watches out for me.
I forgot one thing though. He's an outlier. He does things differently and he thinks differently.
This means everything he does and how he does things is not normal. What is perceived as interested by normal people is nothing to him and this is where I went wrong. I thought that perhaps, deep inside, he was just a regular joe.
I thought wrong and so for the next few months, my heart would take hits. Perhaps because I have gotten used to the pain, it didn't eat me the way it did with FM before. Perhaps because I see him regularly, the pain dulled but I've come to realize that I cannot do this to myself any longer.
I tried to let go. Everytime he tells me that I meant nothing to him that way, I tried to let go. When he said he never felt anything for me, I tried to let go but he wouldn't let me go. He held on to my promise of being friends for life and made me see that we are awesome together ... AS FRIENDS AND NOTHING MORE THAN FRIENDS.
I needed to give up.
I needed to say goodbye to my almost love.
Did I fall in love with him? I do not know.
Did I love him? Yes, this I am sure of. Possibly, I still love him and will always love him but I need to give up because I no longer see that he will see me as more than a friend. I need to open the door to someone else who will see my worth, who will want to see me everyday and greet me with a hug and a kiss. I need to be with someone who will thank the heavens that he met me. I need to be with someone who will cherish me, love me, and be so in love with me that he can't see life without me.
I can't be with an almost. I deserve more than an almost.
I deserve someone sure, not just an almost.