Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Letting go ...
Honestly, the only reason I initially listened to it was because Song Joong Ki said in an interview that this was the song he was listening to on repeat and it made me curious. Why would one of Korea's top actor have this song on repeat?
See, I'm a lyric person which means lyrics are the first thing that gets to me when I listen to a song. Of course the beat matters but it is always the lyrics that would make me listen to a song over and over again.
Day 6's Letting Go got me. It just got me. It went straight to my heart and stayed there, slowly ripping away the pieces and making it bleed little by little. It reminded me of all the times I had to let go of men I've come to care for, of men I've loved, and of a man that I gave my whole being to.
Letting go of my first love was painful. I didn't even realize back then that he was my first love. I didn't understand why I cried when I found out that he had a girlfriend. I thought that it was just because it was wrong. We were too young. It was why I said no when he asked me to be his girlfriend. After all, we were just in elementary and we should be focusing on school. It took me a couple of years to realize that I had fallen for my best friend and he was my first love. It was also because of this love that I stopped talking to him when he had someone because my young heart couldn't take the pain. I had to let go.
Letting go of my first boyfriend was my first real heartbreak. It took me 7 years to really get over the pain of losing him. He was the first guy I kissed and the first guy who held me in his arms. He was the first guy I imagined spending the rest of my life with so when he was gone, I couldn't understand why. Yes, I was the one who left but I thought that eventually, some years down the road, we'd get back together. We had to. He promised me that we would spend the rest of our lives together. He just had to get rid of the embers of his first love and we'd be okay but he got her pregnant a year later and they had to marry. I had truly lost him and I had to let go.
Letting go of the father of my child took years but in the end, it was just a relief. He killed me slowly but surely in the last 3 years that we were together. A cut here, a smash there, a slice here, a punch there. It took 3 years but he managed to kill any confidence I had in me, any belief in love that I had, and he managed to hurt me enough that I could not even hate him. I just felt nothing, absolutely nothing for him when I let go. He managed to turn someone who was so in love with him into someone who was just an empty shell. I couldn't hold on to us because there was nothing left in me and of me, absolutely nothing. The Kenny that I was ... was gone. I had to let go.
Letting go of the man who I thought I would marry eventually destroyed me. I was able to regain a bit of who I was and felt that I could love again but I was wrong and this was why he left me. Whereas the father of my child merely emptied me out, the man whom I thought I was going to marry finally destroyed me. It took 3 years of pain, misery, begging, being used and rejected but eventually, I realized there was only one thing I could do. I had to let go.
And now ... my heart flutters once again but it's so confusing. I do not know whether to fan the flame or douse it out. I no longer know how to play the game. The signs confuse me and hurt me. I feel like a pendulum being swayed from happiness to confusion constantly. He confuses me. Back in the day, when a guy liked a girl, they say it and they make sure that there are no doubts left in a girl's mind as to what their intentions are. Now, it's constant messaging one night then completely nothing the next. It's an I like you one day and being completely ignored the next. I'm too old for games. Do I have to let go?
I really don't want to but if I must because he doesn't feel the same way that I do then I have to let go. I must let go.