You know how they say that to forgive is divine and all that hoopla? I don't agree with that. I know it's wrong and all but one thing I really know about myself is that I can hold grudges for decades. See, I said decades since I'm nearing my 3 decade mark in life.
I just can't believe people who easily forgive and forget things like it was nothing. Maybe its because I love deeply or care so much but I just can't get over betrayals fast or being played at. It's not in my nature. I may forgive or make you think I have, but I never ever forget. I just can't.
It's like I have this mental closet in my mind and its an automatic thing. I'd study the person who hurt me and find out what their weakness is. It's not even a conscious thing at times. I just do it. It's innate in me.
See, I don't really hurt people on purpose. So when someone does that to me and its unwarranted, I just get this insane urge to get back. I become really restless until I am able to do so. A great example would be M. To those who have been reading and lurking, you know who M is. To those who are new to my ramblings, M is my first boyfriend.
We got together because he wanted to use me to show his ex (who is now his wife) that he can replace her. For Valentines day, he gave me a card and played the song Somebody by Depeche Mode while I was decorating our classroom. Sweet huh? NOT! It was their themesong and he was reminiscing. I was a bit unaware of how people in a relationship acted but I knew there was something off about it. I felt like crying but because I'm full of pride, I donned on my couldn't care less face and acted like everything was all roses.
I cried at home, in my room, on my bed. I cried like there was no tomorrow.
I vowed to make him regret it. I vowed to make him fall for me so hard that he wouldn't be able to love someone else the way he would love me. I plotted and schemed and did everything possible that my 15 year old brain could come up with. I was extra sweet to him. We would spend a lot of time together and then I would pull back. I'd go out with friends or go to one of my many orgs to handle things. He would be upset. He dind't know then but I was spinning my web on him.
Was I successful? YES!
How do I know? We broke up in 1997, almost 17 then. He still called me until I was 24. He would visit my house and kept track of who I was with, what was happening, and what were the new things in my life. He only stopped calling when I married.
He was my first love, the greatest love of my life. But because he hurt me, I hurt him back. I'm crazy that way. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Always.