rambings of a broken heart

It's one of those nights. You come home and though you feel tired, your mind is so wide awake it feels like Maria's singing The Sound of Music on repeat and try as you might to kick her off the darn mountain, she just won't so you succumb to the way your mind is and just try to sort out your thoughts but you find that everything is just in shambles.

This is how my mind is. This is how I am right now.

I'm currently listening to my playlist called "moving on" and it soothes me. It reminds me that I can move on from loving the wrong person and that in time I will be okay.

I saw him today. I had an event nearby his workplace and I didn't know it until he asked if I wanted him to visit me. Crazy that I am I said yes and there he was, standing right before me within minutes. He hugged me and I hugged him. It felt like I was in heaven. However, a few minutes later and it felt like I was in hell because I see him checking out girls around us. Gone is the guy that used to simply focus on me to the point that he didn't even notice that it was raining outside. Now it seems every girl simply catches his fancy.

Why was I not enough? I'm pretty okay. I'm not gorgeous but you wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with me. I'm not thin but I'm not obese either. I'm pretty smart and I can carry a conversation. I'm someone you could present to your family and get a high chance of an approval. Why was I not enough?

I do a good front of being okay and being fine but sometimes, I just want to sit down on a pavement and cry like a baby. I think I've earned that after having my heart broken over and over again.

False promises, empty promises, friendzoned, men giving up, men not being able to fight for me, and men who simply used me or made me decor ... its a crazy cycle and its tiring.

Why do people do it? Why do they go back to this crazy cycle and keep repeating the entire getting to know you-falling in love-fighting-falling out of love craziness?

Why did he message me everyday for 3 months? Why did he cook for me? Why does he care about me so much yet not feel that way about me? Why?

I don't make sense no? I'm rambling and I don't even know who I am talking to. I think its why I'm rambling to you. I choose to ramble here rather than let him know how affected I am about all of these. I am. I don't want to be but I am.

He wants to be my friend. I don't know if I can be. I want to be but as long as I see him as more than a friend, I don't know if I can be a friend.

Sometimes I feel like I'm starring in a romantic comedy but somehow, I always miss the final scene when the two stars end up with each other and I just go straight to a loop of the entire process. I get the getting to know you and the sweet moments, the fight and then poof .... I go back to the first part with a new co-star.

When will I have my happy ending? Will there ever be one for me?