I want to write ... I want to be able to express my thoughts while watching people create art through scrapbooks, cross stitching, and drawings. I want to be able to convey my words in a way that people will remember them and be drawn. I want have a huge desk where I will have a huge corkboard for all my ideas and inspiration, hot cup of coffee in hand, and while away typing at my laptop.
I want to write.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
fallen idol
Goodbye my idol ... it was a long, wonderful, painful journey ...
For 29 years you were there for me even when I thought I didn't need you ... you kept me strong, you helped me survive the toughest times .... I believed in you. I believed in everything that you said, that you told me.
You told me that I could be strong, that I don't need a man in my life, that I am better on my own.You taught me that family comes first ... and that a mother can never quit on being a Mom. Once a Mom, forever a Mom.
You told me that you believe in us, that you were thankful to have us ... and that no matter what, you'd rather be poor than go back to an abusive man who does nothing but use you, insult you, belittle you, and humiliate you. He does not appreciate you my idol. I thought you knew that and accepted that.
It has been a financial struggle the last 2 years or so but we got by. I had plans ... major ones for you because I wanted you to have the best, or at least the best of what I was capable of giving. I truly believed you when you said that you may not be rich anymore but you at least have peace of mind which is more important.
What happened? Why did you fall from grace? Why did you turn your back on me and threw into my face whatever help I was able to give? Yes, it was only a small amount compared to what you will be getting from him but that money was from my hard work, sweat, and tears. I gave that out of love. There was no need to hurtle it back to my face.
One meeting and the world tilted. The antagonist is now the protagonist and the poor stupid daughter is suddenly the enemy. Do I really deserve that? I don't think so, but things are that way now.
I only cared about you. I worry about you. I do not want you to get hurt ... to be insulted once more ... to be rejected and humiliated ... to be left wanting and needing but still ignored.
You have fallen my idol. You have fallen far beneath where you were and I don't know if you can ever be up again. I worry that where you have landed, there is no getting up ... and that right now, you seemed to have fallen on your feet but eventually, the cracks inside will show and you will just crumble to the ground.
Most of all, I worry that I may no longer find it in my heart to forgive you for what you did to me. I have been there for you when you needed me most and now that you have what you think your hearts desire, you just turned your back on me. Just like that.
Goodbye my fallen idol. Thank you for teaching me the things that I will never do to my son. Thank you for showing me that you don't need me any more. Now, I can start my own life without guilt. I just really hope he's changed and that he knows what you are worth because I really don't know any more if I can still extend a hand to help you out of the hell hole you are in.
For 29 years you were there for me even when I thought I didn't need you ... you kept me strong, you helped me survive the toughest times .... I believed in you. I believed in everything that you said, that you told me.
You told me that I could be strong, that I don't need a man in my life, that I am better on my own.You taught me that family comes first ... and that a mother can never quit on being a Mom. Once a Mom, forever a Mom.
You told me that you believe in us, that you were thankful to have us ... and that no matter what, you'd rather be poor than go back to an abusive man who does nothing but use you, insult you, belittle you, and humiliate you. He does not appreciate you my idol. I thought you knew that and accepted that.
It has been a financial struggle the last 2 years or so but we got by. I had plans ... major ones for you because I wanted you to have the best, or at least the best of what I was capable of giving. I truly believed you when you said that you may not be rich anymore but you at least have peace of mind which is more important.
What happened? Why did you fall from grace? Why did you turn your back on me and threw into my face whatever help I was able to give? Yes, it was only a small amount compared to what you will be getting from him but that money was from my hard work, sweat, and tears. I gave that out of love. There was no need to hurtle it back to my face.
One meeting and the world tilted. The antagonist is now the protagonist and the poor stupid daughter is suddenly the enemy. Do I really deserve that? I don't think so, but things are that way now.
I only cared about you. I worry about you. I do not want you to get hurt ... to be insulted once more ... to be rejected and humiliated ... to be left wanting and needing but still ignored.
You have fallen my idol. You have fallen far beneath where you were and I don't know if you can ever be up again. I worry that where you have landed, there is no getting up ... and that right now, you seemed to have fallen on your feet but eventually, the cracks inside will show and you will just crumble to the ground.
Most of all, I worry that I may no longer find it in my heart to forgive you for what you did to me. I have been there for you when you needed me most and now that you have what you think your hearts desire, you just turned your back on me. Just like that.
Goodbye my fallen idol. Thank you for teaching me the things that I will never do to my son. Thank you for showing me that you don't need me any more. Now, I can start my own life without guilt. I just really hope he's changed and that he knows what you are worth because I really don't know any more if I can still extend a hand to help you out of the hell hole you are in.
Friday, February 5, 2010
you are what makes everything worth it ...
Don't you agree? My B, brushing his teeth and enjoying every minute of it.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
comfort food is Starbucks
This is one of my newest favorite at Starbucks. Honey Orange Mocha and Southern Lime chicken and Roasted Corn Wrap.
This one is cooked just right. It's not over the top and it's filling for a small sandwich.
Can you say yumm-o? Sigh ... I am in heaven.
a virgin once again
The first time is always memorable. First love, first kiss, first heartbreak, first date, first job, first crush, first salary. Everyone remembers the first though not all relish it.
I am about to go through another first. In a few weeks time, I will be living on my own (of course my son is going to be with me but you get my drift.) I will be solely responsible for the rent, the electricity, the water bill, phone bill, dsl, cable, et al. I will be officially welcomed to the world of grown ups and see my name on a billing statement for the first time (credit cards don't really count LOL!)
I feel like a virgin all over again. LOL!
It's scary but exciting. I know that I can make it but its that first step that kinda wigs me out. I'm so thankful for the people around me who have been continuously cheering me on, telling me that I can do it. Thanks Vida, Flare, Arnie, and of course J. And thanks to my brothers who in their own ways are always there.
I am about to go through another first. In a few weeks time, I will be living on my own (of course my son is going to be with me but you get my drift.) I will be solely responsible for the rent, the electricity, the water bill, phone bill, dsl, cable, et al. I will be officially welcomed to the world of grown ups and see my name on a billing statement for the first time (credit cards don't really count LOL!)
I feel like a virgin all over again. LOL!
It's scary but exciting. I know that I can make it but its that first step that kinda wigs me out. I'm so thankful for the people around me who have been continuously cheering me on, telling me that I can do it. Thanks Vida, Flare, Arnie, and of course J. And thanks to my brothers who in their own ways are always there.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
sorry, love, and happiness
that is love right there and happiness ....
this box of doughnuts is happiness
this is support and love from Arnie
and this? this is an apology and a show of love from J ...It's the small things in life that matters ... not thousands of pesos ... its enjoying the small blessings and being content with what God gave you ...
Monday, February 1, 2010
I am not superwoman.
Since I was a child, I've heard people say that I was weak. People said I was too pampered, sheltered, and that I would never survive the harsh realities of life. I rely on my Mom and I rely on people. I'm immature and I'm childish. I am this and I am that.
I was weak. I was pampered. I was sheltered. I thought I would never survive the harsh realities of life. I relied on my Mom and I relied on people. I was immature and I was childish. I was this and I was that.
Keyword is was.
Recent events had me thinking and I realized, somewhere between leaving home the first time, getting involved in an abusive relationship, becoming dirt poor that I had to pawn all jewelries to make ends meet and have food on the table, bringing my son into this world, and falling apart ... I have changed. Somewhere along the way, I became someone strong. Yes, strong.
Deep inside, I now know that I can do things that I never thought I could. I am no longer afraid of doing things that would have sent me over the edge before. I now have that inner strength I used to covet.
I'm a slightly better person with room for improvement. For my son, I now know that I can be strong and I will be strong. He needs me. Somewhere in this world, I have a son who relies only on Mommy and for him, Mommy will be strong and Mommy will survive this new storm brewing in.
Hurtful things were said and heard accidentally .... and from those hurts, I will get my strength. I've been on ground zero before. I've raised myself from that place. I know I can survive; if not for my son but for myself.
I may not be superwoman but I can be super me.
I was weak. I was pampered. I was sheltered. I thought I would never survive the harsh realities of life. I relied on my Mom and I relied on people. I was immature and I was childish. I was this and I was that.
Keyword is was.
Recent events had me thinking and I realized, somewhere between leaving home the first time, getting involved in an abusive relationship, becoming dirt poor that I had to pawn all jewelries to make ends meet and have food on the table, bringing my son into this world, and falling apart ... I have changed. Somewhere along the way, I became someone strong. Yes, strong.
Deep inside, I now know that I can do things that I never thought I could. I am no longer afraid of doing things that would have sent me over the edge before. I now have that inner strength I used to covet.
I'm a slightly better person with room for improvement. For my son, I now know that I can be strong and I will be strong. He needs me. Somewhere in this world, I have a son who relies only on Mommy and for him, Mommy will be strong and Mommy will survive this new storm brewing in.
Hurtful things were said and heard accidentally .... and from those hurts, I will get my strength. I've been on ground zero before. I've raised myself from that place. I know I can survive; if not for my son but for myself.
I may not be superwoman but I can be super me.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
a bear and a chicken
I woke up today feeling real good coz I had 9 hours of sleep which for those who know me knows that it is a rare thing. I felt refreshed and recharged but in a few minutes, realized that the sun was shining a tad too brightly and started becoming a wee bit grumpy. I was sipping my coffee to get me out of my bear mode when I heard it ... cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck ... I listened hard and realized it was really saying "Mommy, this and this. Mommy, this and that. Mommy Mommy Mommy."
Yep, it was B and his incessant chatter. He was sounding like a chicken to my sleepy mind because he wouldn't stop chattering. I knew he was happy that I was at home and not at work but all my mind could hear a couple of minutes earlier was "cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck" and all I could think of was "GROWL GROWL GROWL!"
And this post is the result ... as I am writing this, I can still see the big brown bear running around trying to catch the silly chicken. Lol.
Happy Saturday everyone! This bear is getting ready to listen to the chicken now.
Yep, it was B and his incessant chatter. He was sounding like a chicken to my sleepy mind because he wouldn't stop chattering. I knew he was happy that I was at home and not at work but all my mind could hear a couple of minutes earlier was "cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck" and all I could think of was "GROWL GROWL GROWL!"
And this post is the result ... as I am writing this, I can still see the big brown bear running around trying to catch the silly chicken. Lol.
Happy Saturday everyone! This bear is getting ready to listen to the chicken now.
Friday, January 29, 2010
old friends and new beginnings
my colorful desk
Alexandre pasta
pork barbeque steak .. WINNER!
with my favorite guy
with a long time friend, SheIt felt so good to meet with an old friend from elementary years. The funny thing is, if it wasn't for a change of career and a new beginning, I wouldn't have been able to meet her again. We now work in the same building though she's in Tower 1 and I am in Tower 2 but at least, we can now try to meet weekly and have lunch out. I felt so happy being able to touchbase with her again.
Also, today was really special coz I saw J and its been a week since we last saw each other. He had a death in the family and of course, I gave way to that though it saddened me that I was not there with him to lend support and comfort him. He saw my new office and kinda liked it. Hehe ....
Pretty good day if I may say so. =)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
our reorganized room and a pesto dinner
B with the cat he placed in the ref because the cat was feeling hot ... lol
my crazy family that I super love
pesto dinner!!!
she was the one who made the table
B's space
my space
Ain't family sweet?
Monday, January 25, 2010
family day at Tom's World
cotton candy happiness
group shot
eat all you can ... SARAP!
my son playing with some girl hehe ... he lost! BOO!
with my favorite guy
showing off his bowling skills
Lara Croft?
who's enjoying more? the kid or the kid at heart? =p
no longer afraid of the rides
trying out their luck
We had lots of fun and won 559 tickets which we are storing because we want to get the bigger prizes. I think its safe to say we have found a new weekend hangout. Lol.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
great loss
Today, I had 2 big news. One was that a cousin of mine got his girlfriend pregnant while the other was that my babe's uncle has died. Both are news; one is sad while the other is supposed to be a cause for celebration.
One is about life and the other is about death. This, makes me realize once again how fleeting life is. In a snap, things can be taken aways from you; in a snap, life can change just like that. JUST.LIKE.THAT.
My cousin is only 21. He hasn't even graduated. Now, he's about to be a father. My babe's uncle is just ready to enjoy life. He still has kids who needs him. Now, he's gone to be with our maker.
One was supposed to be a cause for celebration. The other, a cause for mourning. Unfortunately, both news has left me mourning; for the loss of a future and the loss of a life.
Monday, January 18, 2010
pizza hut dinner and some shopping
Today we went out and bought some clothes for me. It's been quite some time since I did that and it felt so good getting clothing tips from my Mom and even underwear guidance. Lol. I think we did pretty well with the stuff we bought. Afterwards, we ate at Pizza Hut and I just really love their supreme pizza. YUMMY!
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