Sunday, February 7, 2010

fallen idol

Goodbye my idol ... it was a long, wonderful, painful journey ...

For 29 years you were there for me even when I thought I didn't need you ... you kept me strong, you helped me survive the toughest times .... I believed in you. I believed in everything that you said, that you told me.

You told me that I could be strong, that I don't need a man in my life, that I am better on my own.You taught me that family comes first ... and that a mother can never quit on being a Mom. Once a Mom, forever a Mom.

You told me that you believe in us, that you were thankful to have us ... and that no matter what, you'd rather be poor than go back to an abusive man who does nothing but use you, insult you, belittle you, and humiliate you. He does not appreciate you my idol. I thought you knew that and accepted that.

It has been a financial struggle the last 2 years or so but we got by. I had plans ... major ones for you because I wanted you to have the best, or at least the best of what I was capable of giving. I truly believed you when you said that you may not be rich anymore but you at least have peace of mind which is more important.

What happened? Why did you fall from grace? Why did you turn your back on me and threw into my face whatever help I was able to give? Yes, it was only a small amount compared to what you will be getting from him but that money was from my hard work, sweat, and tears. I gave that out of love. There was no need to hurtle it back to my face.

One meeting and the world tilted. The antagonist is now the protagonist and the poor stupid daughter is suddenly the enemy. Do I really deserve that? I don't think so, but things are that way now.

I only cared about you. I worry about you. I do not want you to get hurt ... to be insulted once more ... to be rejected and humiliated ... to be left wanting and needing but still ignored.

You have fallen my idol. You have fallen far beneath where you were and I don't know if you can ever be up again. I worry that where you have landed, there is no getting up ... and that right now, you seemed to have fallen on your feet but eventually, the cracks inside will show and you will just crumble to the ground.

Most of all, I worry that I may no longer find it in my heart to forgive you for what you did to me. I have been there for you when you needed me most and now that you have what you think your hearts desire, you just turned your back on me. Just like that.

Goodbye my fallen idol. Thank you for teaching me the things that I will never do to my son. Thank you for showing me that you don't need me any more. Now, I can start my own life without guilt. I just really hope he's changed and that he knows what you are worth because I really don't know any more if I can still extend a hand to help you out of the hell hole you are in.

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Hi! Let's all try to add more positivity in this world and adhere to the saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, keep silent."

Showering you with unicorn poop so you'd always stay magical! Heart heart!