Struggling to Grieve

Last May 31, 2024, my Mom died. 

It's been almost two months now and I still haven't properly grieved. I thought I was okay but apparently, I was just being delusional in this. 

I was in denial. 

I didn't realize you can be in denial even when something is right in front of your face. After all, I saw my Mom when she was gone. I touched her. I hugged her. I held her icy cold hands in my hand. I even kissed her forehead. 

I was there when she was taken out of the house. I was there when she was being prepped for cremation. I saw her body go inside the crematorium and I held her ashes in a ziploc bag when it was still hot. 

I have her ashes in locket on my neck and apparently, with all these, I am still in denial. 

This is the question in my head now. 

Why is it so hard for me? I already know for a fact that she is no longer here. Logically, I know that she is gone. Emotionally and mentally, it's a whole different ballgame. 

Sometimes, I find myself crying but the moment I realize that I am, I stop myself because I feel like there's other things that I need to do. I don't think I have spent more than 10 minutes of non-stop crying.

I just can't seem to do it. 

Maybe I'll just wait for that one thing that will make me snap. 

I know it's unhealthy but I really just don't know what to do. 

I need help.