In another world and in another life ...

It's my 46th birthday in a bit Mommy.

I have no plans. Life's been really hard lately. Money hasn't been easy, and it's just been day by day of surviving. 

I dreamt of you the other night. You were young and smiling. Your siblings were there. You smiled at me, and I think we hugged. I don't really remember anymore. 

I thought to myself, "See? You're okay. You dreamt of your mom, and you are fine." 

But today, I chanced upon this. 

Some people would say that this is not what you would want, but this is what I want for you. You deserve to be happy, and as much as I know you loved us, I know that you weren't truly happy in this lifetime. 

How could you be happy? He made sure you weren't, and your love for him made sure you couldn't. 

I hope in your next life you will be nothing but happy. You will have true peace of mind and know what it's like to be loved, cherished, and just plain happy. 

This was during your 50th birthday. You looked so happy. I wish that every moment of your life it was like this. 

I miss you Mommy. It's my 3rd birthday without you. I've been strong Mommy. I've rallied myself. I didn't expect help from others. I am stronger now. You would be proud. 

My kids are okay. B is doing well in school  and is in a healthy relationship. K is doing well in school socially but needs help in reading and writing. Shocker I know. M and I are okay thankfully. 

I haven't journalled in a while. I should get back to it. I want to print photos and scrapbook but I realized now that I have been stalling because that was something that I learned from you and you're not here anymore. 

I should do it again though no? To honor you and to make sure that K grows up knowing you and your story. It matters that he knows how resilient you were, how brave, forgiving, and loving. 

I just miss you today Mommy. I missed you a little bit too much today.