A Letter to my Sons

Dear B and K, 

You two are the blessings I never asked for but have been so blessed to have. I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love the two of you and I never knew that I could feel this kind of fear as much as you two invoke in me for even the smallest things. 

I worry about you two a lot. 

I worry about how the world will treat you. I worry about you becoming victims to bad people, bad circumstances, and bad environments. 

I worry about the age gap between the two of you, that by the time K is a teenager, B, you'd be in your 30s. Will you jive? Will you understand each other? Will you be there for each other if we're no longer in the picture? 

I worry if your Dad and I are doing the right thing with you two. I worry if we're being the parents we need to be,  the ones that you deserve, need, and you should have. 

Sometimes, I feel so down because I know that I am not what you need me to be. I'm short-tempered and I can go beast mode instead of being able to do some gentle parenting. I worry if I am traumatizing you for life and wounding you emotionally and mentally. 

Then I see you both happy and oh so forgiving. I see you B, happily dancing and singing. I see that you have grown to be so mature and understanding of life decisions, consequences, and punishments when needed. 

I see K ready to forgive and give a hug. I see him laughing so much that one can't help but laugh with him. I see him and I marvel at how blessed I am to not have one, but two kids given to me by God. 

I worry. I think any Mom would worry and worry but at the same time, I marvel. I marvel at how someone like me, someone who's not as kind as she needs to be, someone imperfect, and someone who needs to work on her temper can produce two beautiful boys. 

And so I will continue to worry but I will also continue to work on what I can and what I need to. Most of all, I will continue working on having a good relationship with your Dad and with others so that you will grow in a loving environment and hopefully be guided to know what is wrong and right.