what if there was never an us ...

M ... what if there was never an us? What if instead of going along with your little game of "if you don't return the letter, you're my girl" I made it a point to return the letter? Would  have known the beautIy and darkness of love at such a young age? Would I have known what it felt like to be a filler for someone that you couldn't have? Would I have learned that insane jealousy is not a sign of a good relationship?

K ... what if there was never an us? What if instead of giggling like a mad girl after you stole a kiss in that movie house during the end of Notting Hill I ended up slapping you? Would I have known what it was like to want someone only because I couldn't have them and soon as I did, I lost interest? Would you and J still be friends? Would I have learned that a girl must never go in between best friends?

J ... what if there was never an us? What if instead of letting you pursue me at the risk of destroying your friendship with K, I just told you to back off and left the both of you alone? Would I have known what it was like to be physically loved for the first time in my life? Would I have known what it was like to be welcomed by an entirely new family separate from mine? Would I have learned that just because there was a lull does not mean that I should have given up?

E ... what if there was never an us? What if I had left you out at the South Gate of La Salle soon as I saw how wrongly dressed you were during our first date? I should have taken it as a sign. Would I have known what it was like to be fully ignored for a week because a person was too busy? Would I have known what it was like to wait for hours on end, wondering and scared that something may have happened only to find out that I just didn't matter enough to be informed?

R .... what if there was never an us? What if I had said no to my friend's suggestion of playing a trick on you? Would I have known what it was really like to be loved for the first time? Would I have ever known what it was like to be treasured and cherished against all odds? I would never wish that there'd never be an us. If there never was, I would never have known what it was like to have been loved for me.

RA ... what if there was never an us? What if I had said no when you sat down to have breakfast with my friend and I? Would I have known the pain of getting hit in the face? Would I have known what it was like to be kicked in the stomach when I was 8 months pregnant? Would I have known what it was like to be cheated on, lied to, beaten up again and again by the same person I vowed to spend the rest of my life with?

JB .... what if there was never an us? What if I had said no to meeting you at Starbucks? Would I have known what it was like to be cheated on with not one but 8 other girls? Would I have been driven to madness to the point that I just obsessed over everyone in your life because you could be cheating on me with them?

FM .... what if there was never an us? What if I had just deleted your message and chose not to respond? Would I have known the shattering of my heart when you left me after finally convincing me that I could have found the one? Would I have lost myself for 3 years in the hopes of finding myself in your arms again? Would I have been broken far beyond the breakage that RA did to me?

MB ... what if there was never an us? What if I had rejected your offer to go on a coffee series with me? Would I have learned that you can be as ruthless and cold as ice? Would I have found out that you are capable of leaving the girl you love to fend for herself just because you're mad? Would I have learned that once again, promises are just things that are meant to be broken?

What if there was never an us? What if I didn't meet any of you? Would I be as strong as I am right now? Would I be as broken as I am right now? Would I be as scared to love as I am right now?

What if there was never an us .... perhaps, it would have been ...