messages and phone calls

I messaged him today. I told my small group last Thursday that I would forgive him though he hasn't asked for forgiveness for hurting me and I finally did it. I told him that I forgive him for hurting me and using me but most of all, I forgive him for myself because I needed to let go of the burden that he is in my life.

He called me. Initially I didn't want to answer his call but I thought to myself that heck, its been 3 weeks already and I haven't had a moment of literally having to stop myself from calling him so I felt good about my odds. We spoke for more than 30 minutes and he asked to see me via video. I heard his familiar "hiiiii!!!!"

It hurt. Apparently, it still hurts. 8 months cannot be erased in just 3 weeks even if 4 out of that 8 months was long distance. He said he hasn't deleted my photos because he looks at it when he misses me. He also checks my Instagram account from time to time. I don't get it.

What is it about me that makes men who supposedly love me be happy enough to just view me online?  Why are they okay just looking at my online profiles instead of being able to speak with me or be with me? I don't get it. I don't understand it.

All I've ever wanted was to meet a nice guy who would love me and support me in pursuing my dreams. I don't wish for someone handsome or rich, just someone smart, funny, and faithful. Someone who wouldn't be intimidated about the fact that I choose to run instead of walk.

I messaged him today and apparently, it still hurts.

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