Hey you ...
I've been wanting to say these things to you but whenever we're together, I can't seem to find the words to say, or speak the words that's in my heart. I guess I'm still wary that you might find what I have to say ludicrous or silly. Truth be told, I find the words that I have to say ludicrous or silly as well.
You see, these words stem from insecurity, fears, a lack of faith, and a hard dose of reality. I've had my heart broken so many times in the past that whereas I used to look at the world with rose colored glasses, I now look at it through broken shards of a mirror.
"I'm leaving on Monday."
I prepared for those words. I mean I didn't know it was going to be on a Monday but I prepared myself to hear the words "I'm leaving." I knew it was going to happen and I even prayed for it to happen because its what you wanted and I want what you want. I told myself I was going to light up like a CareBear and smile and say "I'm so happy for you" then hug you real tight. I played it over and over again in my head. It was absolutely perfect. This was how I envisioned it happening in my head.
This was not what happened.
You said you were leaving and all I could do was stare at you. I heard the words but I couldn't comprehend it. It just wasn't sinking in. If I were to be honest, I refused to accept that you were leaving in a few days.
I had so many plans for us. I was going to bring you to different places. I wanted you to try this and that. I wanted to share the experiences that I have had with you. I wanted to sings songs to you. I wanted to dance with you. I wanted to write you poetry while you lay your head on my lap. I wanted to take silly photos with you and take videos that I could watch when you're in the land down under.
I had so many plans.
How will I make it all happen in just one day now?
I have so many doubts and fears. We've never been a fan of LDR and now we will be in one. I know there's Viber, Skype, and what not plus the time difference isn't really that big but you'd be in another country and I would be here. What if you get extremely lonely? What if wanted to hug me and I won't be there to hug you back? What if you wanted to talk and you can't reach me on my phone or I need to hear your voice and you're sound asleep? What if you meet someone else?
I have so many doubts and fears.
How will you erase it in just one day now?
However, when I remember that you were the one who pushed for us to be together, for us to give this a chance ... when I remember how positive you are about us having our vacation in Hong Kong together then I start to have faith.
I have faith in us. I have faith that we will make this work. I have faith that you will do what you can to message me and let me know how you are. I have faith that you will do what you can to not break my heart. I have faith that we will survive this. I have faith that we will choose to fight for us. I have faith that we will choose US when we are tempted.
Choose US. When you feel lonely, choose us. When you are tempted by another, choose us. When you feel the heat running through you and someone is willing to ease it for you for a while, remember me and choose us. Choose what we have. Choose US.
Choose US. Choose LOVE. Choose my love for you for you know that my love is real ...
because I will always choose you and I will continue choosing you until you don't choose me anymore. Then and only then, I will let go.