dance with my father ...

When I was young, all I ever dreamt about was my 18^th birthday. You see, my parents kept saying that I couldn’t have a birthday party till I was 18. I was told that it would be my 18^th birthday that we would have this grand party and there, I would get to dance and show off to everyone my Dad.

You see, my friends have never ever met my Dad because he was an absentee father. He was always too busy with work that he rarely had time for us and since he lived in the factory and we lived in a condo, we rarely saw him as well. 

Some of my classmates even joked that I must be a mushroom. I just popped out of nowhere because they never saw my father. It was hurtful even at such a young age. I wanted to show them that they were wrong and in my young mind, I thought “ha! Just wait till my 18^th birthday. I’ll show you that I’m not a mushroom.”

1998 came and my 18^th birthday was nearing. Kidnappings were happening left and right so my Dad did not want to push through with the grand party at a hotel. My Mom decided to move it to a function room in a restaurant instead so it would be low key. We invited my Dad but instead of coming, he got mad because his wishes were not followed. On the day of my birthday, he did not even greet me. He also had the party cancelled so my friends just came over our house. 

To say that I was heartbroken would be an understatement. It was the start of a mental breakdown that took years for me to recover from. Having a childhood dream and desire be ripped away from you by the very person that was the center of that dream was more than my sanity could handle.

I just couldn’t accept it. 

Eventually my Dad apologized for what happened and I told him that I hoped that when the day I get married comes, he would be there and he would be my first dance before my husband. I really, really just wanted that dance with my father. He said that yes he would be.

Fast forward to now and its been almost 2 years since my father and I spoke. To say we are not in good terms would be an understatement. What we are going through, it can’t be fixed for the simple reason that I cannot forgive him for hurting my Mom and siblings and he is too full of pride to ever be the one to apologize. 

I realized that I will never have that dance with my father. It will never happen and knowing this breaks my heart.