after us

The first time I listened to this clip a couple of months ago, I cried. I cried for real, huge tears flowing down my face, curling like a fetus, and hurling out gut wrenching sobs. I cried for myself because this was exactly what I went through when FM left me. I cried because I let him play me for more than a year after he left. I cried because I hoped and my hopes were crushed like fine sand in his hands. I cried because I was a puppet dancing to his beat and he didn't give a damn about my feelings. I cried because I loved the wrong person and believed that in his own convoluted way, he must love me still.

I cried for everything that we had, everything that we could have had, and all that we never had.

Today, months after I initially listened to it and months after I had it on repeat on my iPOD because I wanted to dull the pain, I listened to it again.

Yes, there is still that tinge of pain ... I don't think it will ever go away because I truly loved him with all my heart and soul. I don't think a love like that ever leaves you. However, this time around, it was just a tinge of pain and there were no more tears. Also, this time around, I was more the latter part of the video, the moving on part and not the "I'm in so much pain because he left me" part.

Today, after almost 2 years since FM walked out of my life, I can really say that  there is no more us and I don't look for an us anymore. What we had was beautiful. Our love for each other was real. He treated me really well and I know that he loved me with all his heart and soul, not just me but my son as well.

I loved him too. I loved him and his kids and I will always have a soft spot for his children and even his family ... but its over. It is finally, truly over. After almost 3 years .... this story finally came to an end and I think, this is the best birthday gift I can give myself ... to finally let go of something that I have lost a long time ago but was just too pigheaded to realize and accept.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for taking care of me and loving me the way you knew how. Thank you for showing me that I was worth loving. After us, I am a much better person and I have you to thank for that.

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