on finding Mr. Wrong ...

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, this is the problem I want to have. I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.”  ―Galway Kinnell

6 failed relationships and I finally have a true understanding of what I need in my life and what I should look for when I'm ready to be with someone. November 2011 saw me listing down things that I want in a man and I asked God for this.When I met FM in January of 2012, I thought he was God's answer to my prayers simply because he fit everything on the list.

What I failed to do was to prepare myself for the man that I requested God for. What I failed to list down was resilience and a man who would fight even his own demons just to be with me. I thought that FM was it ... but I did not ensure if I was ready to be with the "man of my dreams."

“I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”  ―Maya Angelou

I was that naked person, hollering around, offering shirts and when FM got the shirt, I thought, "here is my perfect match." Finally, or so I thought.

I didn't love myself. I thought I did but all my insecurities got in the way so when FM made a mistake, it haunted me and I couldn't let it go. I brought it up over and over again until he got tired of understanding ... until I got tired of making myself believe ... until things just fell apart.

We were both at fault. He had his expectations and I had my demons. I wasn't ready. I thought I was but I wasn't. I couldn't believe him because I didn't think I was worthy of being loved and he couldn't understand because he didn't fully know all the demons that were running in my head. In his mind, if he loved me as much as he did, I should be fine. WE should be fine.

He didn't understand that until I forgave myself for letting the bad things that happen to me happen, until I learned to let go of all the demons, monsters, and nightmares that continued to haunt me ... until I learned to love and appreciate myself ... there was no amount of love that would make me believe. How can I believe someone loves me when I found it so hard to love myself

So now ... I don't look for Mr. Right anymore for I know that there is no Mr. Right. All I can hope and pray for is that somewhere, somehow, there is someone who is Mr. Wrong but he is my Mr. Wrong ... the one wrong thing the will complement the wrong in my life and when he does, everything will slowly start going right because finally, there is someone who accepts and love everything that is broken and scarred about me ... someone who won't give up ... and someone who will say ... "you are wrong and I am wrong, but together, we can right all the wrongs and finally be right for each other."

Until then ... I need to love myself more, appreciate myself more, and focus on the fact that I am worthy of being love and no one can tell me otherwise.

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