the final break ...

It’s been more than a year since KitKat took a permanent break. It’s been more than a year since I last wrote about him. Glee’s latest episode ended with the song “The Scientist,”  a song that has been permanently associated in my head with him and the heartache he has given me.

Do I still love him? No. This I am sure of for I would not have fallen in love with the funny man if my heart belonged to another. I would not be with the funny man if I still was holding on to the idea of KitKat being 
together. Any notion or yearning has long been eradicated.

I think the reason why the song still affected me is because I finally realized and accepted that it wasn’t me. There was nothing wrong with me. It was him. He broke my heart without so much giving it a single thought. He just took it, played with it, and crushed it into a million pieces and probably did so with a smile on his face.

I would probably still smart from the pain he caused me but I know that I am in a much better place now. I waited for him for 8 months. 8 months. 8 month of longing, wanting, waiting, not knowing, and hurting. 8 months may seem short but when you’re feeling all of those feelings, it’s a pretty long time. I sang songs about moving on, waiting for that one, loving that person on my own, and sometimes, I just sang coz I couldn’t think anymore. 8 months and at the end of it all, after having told me to just be patient, to wait for him to be ready, that he was excited for me to meet his Mom, and that he can just imaging us being married and all that, he tells me that he loves how we are and that we’re really better off as friends.

8 months. 8 fucking months.

The song goes “nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it was gonna be this hard, oh take me back to the start.” Sometimes, I wish I could go back and say no when he asked me out. I wished we hadn’t met. I know though that it was meant to happen and my heart was meant to be broken. It was meant to so that I would be the woman that I am now.

KitKat happened so that when the time came for me to meet FM, I was stronger, better, and I knew my value. Thank you for causing me all those pain. It made me the woman that FM fell in love with.

Still, it would be nice to give you a resounding smack for the chip that you caused my heart.

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