now I know ...

A few years ago, I wrote several blog entries that discussed and detailed how I felt ... about not knowing how to love myself, not knowing how to be without a guy, not forgiving myself, and feeling empty because I could not defy gravity.

Today, I am happy to say that though I have moments where I still miss and yearn being in a relationship, these are but moments. Today, I can finally say that I enjoy spending time with my family more than being with a guy. Today, I can finally say that I enjoy eating out by myself, shopping by myself, and even watching a movie by myself.

Today, it will be almost 2 years since I have been in a relationship and I don't feel sorry for myself at all. Today, I can finally say that I love myself and I respect myself.

Gone is the girl who would cling to her boyfriend and demand to be rang at least 3x a day. Gone is the insanely insecure woman who got jealous of a gay guy who had a crush on my guy. Gone is the utterly ridiculous girl who needed to be validated every day that she is pretty and worth showing off. Gone is the scared little girl who worried that maybe no one would like me since I already have a kid.

She is now a thing of the past. She is not forgotten though because she is a testament of how much better off I am now.

Now, when someone I like doesn't like me back, I move on ... just like that. Now, when I text a guy I like and he doesn't reply, I am not affected. I don't demand. Now, when someone tells me we're better off as friends, I cry then I move on.

I have learned to move on just like that. I am able to do this because now I know what my worth is. If these guys can't see it, then it is and will never be my loss.

I have weight problems but I don't let it get to me. I will deal with it my way but I will never lose it just because of a guy. If the guy can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best. 


Now I know ... I deserve someone who deserves me, not the other way around.

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26 comments:

  1. Panalo, thanks for sharing more of your past life. It's nice to know you an inch deeper. As a neophyte friend, I am proud of you Kay.

    You don't need to please people and the world just to feel good and be good. You are who you are--and you're not good but BETTER. You're not nice but AWESOME --that I know from a small amount of time I know you.

    Indeed, you life will be more KULAYFUL knowing these realizations passing through you in perfect time.

    GOD BLESS! You will be as awesome as your friends are. Cheers!

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  2. "If the guy can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best." -- I love this.. :)

    God bless achie Kay! Stay proud and beautiful.. :)

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  3. Beautiful post.:) It's really tough to love yourself if your loveless. You are really strong and I'm happy for you. I wish you all the best in life.

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  4. Embrace your independence right now. For my part, I'd like to be that woman who is able to live life fully on her own, without apologies. Past mistakes have taught me that I'd really rather be single than settle for a man who don't deserve me. :-)

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  5. PATOK!

    a friend once told me that somebody does not deserve your love but you deserved to loved by somebody :))

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  6. I love it! Tama yan. I wrote an entry like this before also (back in the days when Multiply wasn't just for e-commerce). Happy you feel that way!

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  7. great realization! it is when you just let go and love yourself that things begin to happen... all for a purpose!

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  8. Give and take is what's important.. These scenarios are very hard to get over, but once you do, the feeling is great. :)

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  9. Good points.Feb post... glad to know that you moved on already and by this date, happily in love.

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  10. Enjoy being single. so many things to do and discover, places to visit and people to meet! Have fun..God bless!

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  11. Everything happens for a reason. Even if there were some pains in the past, if it makes you a better person then you always win.

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  12. This is such an inspiring post! God bless in your journeys ahead! :D

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  13. This quote:

    "If the guy can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best."

    Something like The Vow Movie quotes. Heart felt.!

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  14. And I quote: "If the guy can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best."

    Very well said! You already! :)

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  15. Ikaw na! I remember my past too while reading your post. Haha! Hmm.. those were the days.

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  16. Now I know ... I deserve someone who deserves me, not the other way around.

    I love it, fierce! go sis! :)

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  17. It must've been really hard. Been there too...but now I don't give too much attention to it. I just focus on myself, what I can do and what I love to do. Family is still the best kind of love we could ever have. :)

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  18. strong.. strong.. keep being strong... but not too much.. baka mahirapan kang lumambot.. hahaha.. weight problems? hmm seeing your picture seems wala ka naman problem sa weight?

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  19. Very inspiring thoughts! everything happens for a reason. After shedding some tears, you can smile and be filled with joy next time.

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  20. OMG! I have the same sentiments when I was in my early 30's! But fortunately, I found a guy who deserves me and we are on our way to our 11th Anniversary. I pray that you be given the same chance as I did. I know God sees You and knows what you really need. I pray that He grants your wishes soon, so you can live happier with a man on your side and your family on the other.. :)

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  21. There are many precious moments to treasure and experience, you might met the one you deserves along the way..

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  22. a very touching personal insight here. one from which others can learn as well.

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  23. You're beautiful. I know there will be someone out there that will appreciate and love you..not just skin-deep but for who you really are.

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  24. Good for you! That's why many women were abused by their partners, because they are not confident enough. Blame it on a culture that makes us women submissive to men. We were born equal and we don't have to depend on someone to make us happy. If we're not happy on our own they we won't be happy with whoever we chose to be with.

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  25. As your tagline says, Life is Kulayful and it shows in this post how colorful your life has been.

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  26. Inspiring and I very much can relate. Thanks for reminding us.. Loved the last line... :)

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