the first heartache ...

I was only 13. We were at a Christmas party and I was very excited because he would be there. I knew he would be because he was one of the organizers and this was why I attended this party.

I wore something nice. I wanted to look a little bit girly for him I guess. He has always seen me as a tomboyish girl and I guess I wanted to change the way he looked at me. I thought, "if I look the way a girl looks, maybe he'll realize that I'm a girl too."

Music was playing, there was food, and the usual nonsense conversation between tweeners. I was excited to see him and chat with him and hang out with him. He asked me to dance and I had butterflies on my stomach. I was giggly and that was not me. I do not giggle.

While we were dancing, he told me that I looked different ... lovely. He said I was lovely. My poor heart was fluttering like mad. He then told me that he had something important to tell me. I thought, this was it. He was going to tell me that he also had a crush on me. I was all smiles.

"Kay, I want you to know that A said yes to me. She is now my girlfriend."

Huh? What? What did he say? Oh, wait. I need to compose myself. What does one say again in an event like this? Condolence? Oh, wrong. I hate you. Nope. I hope she breaks your heart. More apt but still wrong.

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you.

Whew. I was able to say what needed to be said. Okay, time to make a graceful exit now.

I spent the night in a dark little corner watching them make googly eyes at each other. He kept touching her back. Why???? Why does he hold her like she's fragile when she's not? Why does he stare at her like she was the prettiest girl on earth.

She's not. I was supposed to be the prettiest girl on earth for him. I was supposed to be it. I was not supposed to be sitting in a dark corner with tears pouring down my face. I was not supposed to be experiencing my first heartache.

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4 comments:

  1. Oh my, that is really heartbreaking. :( Sometimes it is hard to expect because you can end up disappointed.

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  2. loved this nostalgia. brings back memories of colorful youth :)

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  3. FUNNY! akala mo tlagang malalim na heartache noh! pero meron pa palang mas higit pa dun... hays!

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  4. thanks everyone ... this heartache was one I never really got over

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