remain broken

I fell in love with you back in February ... we were sitting in the park and I was mad at you. I was very mad at you. You kept your arms wrapped around you, protecting yourself from my wrath. You said that I scared you.

I should have been more scared. If I knew the intensity of the loneliness that you will cause me, I should have been the one wrapping my arms around myself.

I fell in love with you there ... with your head lying on my lap, my hands smoothing your hair, my eyes staring at your face. I fell in love with you.

It was the perfect setting. It was almost midnight, maybe past midnight, and it was just us in the park. The lights were not too bright and the weather was just right. I was sitting on a bench, we were surrounded by trees, and you had your head laid down on my lap.

It was perfect.

I gathered all my courage ... what little I had left ... and gambled that night. I told you I love you. My heart was beating wildly, and I was telling myself it was okay. Nothing you can say could erase what I was feeling. It was okay. A couple of seconds passed and you finally opened your mouth and said ... "I know."

It wasn't so perfect after all.

Fast forward to 5 months later and I thought that I had finally come to terms with what we are. We are ... different. I was waiting for you to be ready and you were supposed to be working things out so that you can get back to me.

It was supposed to be like that. You told me that at the end of the day, you wanted to be the one holding my hand. You told me that you wanted to marry me. You told me .... bullshit. You told me a bunch of crap and lies and shit and I believed you.

I believed you.

I've let you go you know. I did. I gave up on you a month or so ago and stopped hoping. You reeled me back in and schmuck that I was, I thought that you were reeling me in because you didn't want to lose me. I thought it was because you loved me.

You did love me ... in my head; in my illusions; in my dreams.

5 months ... I waited for you ... 5 months, I hoped and I prayed that maybe, you'd realize how perfect we were for each other. I was the yin to your yang ... the north to your south ... the east to your west ... I was the kat to your kit.

The last 3 weeks have been pretty amazing. We've talked a lot, texted, discussed, and what not. Yes, we haven't seen each other for the longest time but we were talking. We were communicating. You were not avoiding me.

I was elated.

Saturday night, we talked again. You were ranting about some girl and I was in my happy place ... the place where I go to when I'm talking to you. We were laughing and teasing and then suddenly, you said "I like how we are now. I've been thinking, and I think, we're better off as friends."

We're better off as friends.

My world stopped. You do not know this but my heart actually paused and didn't beat for half a second. I thought, I must have misunderstood. Maybe I heard it wrong. I must have heard it wrong.

I didn't; and my heart broke. Once more, my heart was broken.

This time, I don't think it will ever mend. This time, it will remain broken.

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  1. Sorry about this achie Kat. I can sympathize since I've also had my heart broken before. But stay strong and don't let this pull you down. You are a strong woman capable of so many things, and he's just a guy -- one among multitudes out there. Some day you'll cross path with someone who actually deserves you. *hugs*

  2. but i think it won't be forever broken. may sound cliched, but, it's better to love and be hurt than not loving at all. after all, love isn't a selfish act

    cheer up, there are other things around you :-)

  3. thanks you two! I just felt sentimental last night I guess