the beginning of the end and the end of the beginning

"Come in." I was surprised, startled, at loss for words, hoping. I didn't think he would ask me to go inside his house. I thought he would just stand at the door, open it a bit, and tell me to go. It was over after all.

"Sit down." He asked me to sit down. Maybe there was still hope, maybe there was still a chance. Maybe. So many thoughts passing through my mind, so many things rushing by. I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. I wanted to say something but my mouth refused to utter the words.

"Why are you here? Didn't I tell you that I was tired and I don't want to talk?"  Heartbreak. I could literally feel the hands crushing my heart, squeezing it bit by bit, not letting go, just holding tight until merely breathing required my full concentration.

"It's over." Wow, where did that come from. Oh, that was me. I can't believe I was able to say that in such a calm manner. So calm that it frightened me. It should have frightened him too. It would have, if only he truly knew who I was. He should have. Should.

He looked a bit shocked. I know he wasn't expecting it. He turned to face his computer. Maybe he didn't want to look at me, maybe he wanted to hide the pain he felt. Did he feel pain? I'd like to think so. We were together for quite some time. He did love me. Loved; with a D.

He tells me it's my fault. I wouldn't let it go. He got mad, said hurtful words. He was just angry, needed a break for now. For now. Like I was some toy he could just put on the shelf because he was tired of playing with me and when he misses me, he can just take me out of the shelf and play with me again. My fault really. I allowed myself to be treated that way and so he thought he could just do it again and again.

Big mistake. Really big. I refused to be treated that way. I deserve better. I knew better. I want something better. I needed someone better.

Beep beep ... the sound his mobile phone makes when someone messages him. I waited for him to pick it up. I waited for him to read it. I waited for him to reply. I waited. It didn't happen. And I knew ... I just knew in the bottom of my heart that there was someone else..

I took his phone and read the message. It seems there wasn't someone else. There were a lot of them. Blair, Diana, Jenny, and so many more. They were text mates ... there were flirtations, sexual innuendos. There were calls made at the wee hours of the morning. There were messages sent at times that he claims he could not text me because of work. There were so many more.

I snapped. I slapped him. He deserved it. He became angry. We fought. He smashed my head against the wall ... my ear turned bright red. The next day, I would be rushed to the ER of a hospital due to severe head trauma. We fought, we calmed down, we fought, and then calmed down again. We talked. He thought we'd still be able to sort things out in the future. I knew that there would never be a future for us. It wasn't meant to be.

Maybe it was him smashing my head against the cabinet but everything became clear to me. He wasn't the guy whom I portrayed him to be in my mind. He was nowhere near that guy. He was trash that I coated with gold and diamonds in my mind. He was nothing that I made into something. He was my nightmare that I turned into a dream come true.

That night happened over 4 months ago ... at times, it haunts me still. A part of me wishes that it never happened but a small part of me is glad that it did. It may have been painful and traumatic but it was exactly what needed to happen for me to realize what needed to be realized. It was the end of an illusion that I created and the beginning of the reality that is what I have right now.

Still, it haunts me from time to time; the same way that it is haunting me now. 

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