A fellow blogger made a comment on my post that made me think ... she said its a good thing that I have finally forgiven my ex for hurting me ... but have I forgiven myself?
Have I? The answer is no. I have not forgiven myself for falling in love with RA. I have not forgiven myself for letting him make a fool of me, belittle me, make me do things that no sane human being would do, hurt me physically and emotionally ... and just plain make me feel that I was unworthy of anything.
My answer to this is no. I guess this is also the reason why I kept pushing J away. In some ways, I was telling myself that I did not deserve to be loved, that I did not deserve to be treated well, that I am unworthy. I was punishing myself and J was roadkill.
Time away from J has made me think of a lot of things. It has allowed me to reflect on a lot of aspect on my life. I have realized that I came to rely on him for my happiness and whenever I would feel really happy, a small voice inside would say that I don't deserve it and I would do something to make things bad. This will stop now.
I read an older post of mine that showed a picture saying "we accept the love we think we deserve" and it is true. It was true 2 years ago when I made that post and it still is. I accepted that love I think I deserved. I realized now that I need to love me so that someone else can love me. I need to respect me so that someone else can respect me.
I am learning new things being on my own. It's scary ... but it's something I am ready to face now. I will start forgiving myself and rediscover who I really am ... and then I will know ... what kind of love I really deserve and I will become the lover that I am supposed to be ... trusting, loving, respectful, and nurturing.
I forgive myself. I need to.
good luck kay. forgiveness is hard...especially to oneself. but i'm positive that in time you will be able to forgive yourself because you have already opened yourself up to forgiveness.
ReplyDeletelet your love for yourself weigh more than any other issues there is so you can truly forgive yourself. :)
I'm very emotionally moved by this post, probably because I see myself between the lines, I've been there too, discovering and learning. I found that the person that was the hardest to get to know and understand was myself, but the journey was all worth it.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best, as always.
@ Ibyang: I will ... its me now ... not someone else ... finally, its me
ReplyDelete@ Kadri: It is very hard to get to know oneself but I think its worth it ...