big girls don't cry

me at 13

The last two weeks have been such an eye opener for me. Realizing that I have temporarily lost my constant companion, the one person I can text anytime I want, call on whenever I want, and be with when time allows ... I have felt lost.

I was miserable, sad, angry, despondent, and in fear. Yes, I was in fear. I wasn't used to not having a guy by my side. I realized that I have been relying on men for the last 12 years of my life to be happy or feel happy. It's such a shame to know that.

Still ... as they say, when you realize what it is you are doing wrong ... you are already halfway to recovery. The past few days has still been a bit of a struggle from time to time. Keyword: time to time. It's not a 24/7 thing anymore. I used to bombard J with text messages and wall postings day and night. Can you say stalker? It was crazy and pathetic.

Now, I realized that I needed this time and space between us just as much as he needed a break from me. He did what I could not do and painful as it was in the beginning, I realized that we did need a temporary break from each other. He needed to heal and rest, and I needed to fix myself; just like what he said.

So thanks J. It hurt a lot at first but I think that in time, when we get back together, things will be much better because I have already forgiven myself and learned to love myself. Most importantly, I am learning to rely on me and me alone. I'll be a whole person; not half a woman.

Till then ... I won't cry anymore. It's time for me to grow up ... really grow up; be a big girl and big girls don't cry.

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3 comments:

  1. hugs kay! :)

    stay strong and just keep on praying and keep up the positivity within you going.

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  2. Sometimes it's nice to look back at our younger years when we didn't have to worry about responsibilities, disappointments and heartaches.

    I hope that everything will work out fine for you. Take care.

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  3. @ Ibyang and Rachel: I hope things work out for the best too ... thanks ladies!

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