the best that I can be

Yesterday, I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I cried because someone who mattered to me hurled hurtful words at me. Maybe he does believe the things that he said, maybe he said it to hurt me. I really don't care anymore. Yesterday, I cared. A lot.

This person told me that I was lacking as a mother. He said that I rely too much on the nanny to take care of my son and that I was not doing my duties to my son. He even compared me to our Mom. His exact words were "our mom never forgot her motherly responsibilities to us and so should you."

See, my Mom is a SAHM. She's a stay at home mom who is hands on in raising us. No, she did not bathe us or spoonfed us when we were grown children. We had nannies too. But she was a stay at home mom. She did her best to help with homework and the like. She checks on our grades and would sometimes cook us meal.

I love my Mom. I really do. I admire her for the things that she did for us. I do. But I am not her. I will never be her. I do not have her courage or braveness. And I know she did not have it either when she was my age. It was something she learned along the way which I hope to do as well.

We are different. We are two different people. Yes, she may be a better Mommy than I am but I am doing the best that I can. I listen to advise; only if given in the right manner. Telling me "start acting like a Mom" is not the way to go about it. Criticizing me is not the way to go about it especially if you're not even a parent yourself. What do you know about raising a child? The only persons who know this are people who have raised children on their own.

I do not know how to do child's play. I get bored when we have to build blocks for over an hour. I enjoy watching cartoons but I find that I enjoy teaching my child the ABC's and different things. Educational things. And so this is what I do when I play with B. We trace, we color, we spell, we sing.

They do not know this for I do not parade my quality time with my son. Quantity wise, it is lacking. I am a working Mom. I am a single Mom who does not get any financial support from the father of my child. Not a single dime. I am not a SAHM. I am a working Mom and my travel time in a day is 3-4 hours going to work and back home. I am human. I get tired. I work the night shift. That is even more tiring.

I am not making excuses for myself. I am merely stating facts in my life. I think, even for a little, I deserve some credit because I have been able to provide for my son's needs. I think, even a little, I deserve some credit because my son still looks forward to seeing me and spending time with me. If I was such a lousy mother, if I was just relying on the nanny 100% of the time, B would be calling the nanny Mommy and I'd be just a display to him.

I am not perfect. I am not even a great mother. I do however try to be the Mom that B needs. I have a lot of improvement to do but I am doing it one at a time. If that makes me a bad mom in your eyes, then that's your opinion. Keep it to yourself. I don't need more bad vibes in my life.

What I need is people who will support me and cheer me on to becoming the best Mom that I can be for my son; people who will give me advise and not critique me; people who will help me be the best Mom for B.