a not so happy valentine post

Yes, this is a Valentine post. No, this is not going to be cheesy. With this valentine post, I will release all the heartaches that I have. I will let go of all the burdens in my heart for all the loves that have passed my way. So if you don’t feel reading something too emotional or heartbreaking, skip and move on to my other posts. I just have too much heartache in my heart and I want to let go by verbalizing them. Maybe if I write it, the pain will die a bit.

To MVU – You were my first boyfriend. You didn’t treat me right at first because you were just using me to make your first love jealous. Yet, I was okay with it because it was the first time I fell in love. I thought that my love would make you change your mind. My 1st Valentines with you sucked. You played Somebody over and over again because it was your theme song with her. You enjoyed hurting me. I was foolish enough to let you hurt me. Eventually, I broke up with you and you realized that you loved me and not her. We got back together and everything was okay. Except looking back now, I realized you were a control freak, obsessive, and you made sure that my world revolved just around you. You gave me chocolates every week which I thought was sweet but the reason you gave me chocolates was because you wanted me fat so no one else would court me.

I was happy with you. I was in love for the first time in my life and I felt happy. I had almost no friends because you wanted to keep me to yourself but it was okay. When we broke up, my world crumbled. I couldn’t believe that you fell for her again. I was the girl that you wanted me to be and yet, I was not good enough. You pursued me again for 6 months but I refused to get back with you. I was too hurt. You got back with her to hurt me and prove to me that you can replace me. That shattered me. So much.

It took me two years to really get over you. I promised that this will never happen again. It hasn’t. I hope it never will.

To PW – Our love could never be. No one will ever approve. No one will ever say yes to us. I had to let go.

To KM – You led me on. You made me believe that you liked me, that you cared for me. I don’t know why you did that to me. I was stupid to have fallen for you. I still resent you for it because I do not understand why you did what you did.

To JPM – For almost two years, you were the wind that blew my way. You were the wind that caressed me and comforted me when I was down. I thought this was it. I thought that it was you and I, that it was forever for us. I thought wrong. Even magic could not hold us together when it was the thing that brought us to be with each other in the first place. I was your weaver and you were my wind.

You were good to me. Things just fell apart when you made a fool of me with my own best friend. All I asked was to be informed if there was something. You chose to disregard it and even had the audacity to ask that the three of us hang out together like old times, except she’s the girlfriend now and I am the friend.

When you guys broke up, I felt vindicated.

To RS – You are probably the only guy who did not hurt me, yet, I know that you are the one guy I hurt the most. Isn’t life ironic? You were sweet, romantic, thoughtful. You placed me before anything else in your life. I was number 1 and the only 1. You would sacrifice your pride to save our relationship.

I was just a foolish girl back then who did not know what she had and could not handle being loved that way. You don’t know this but I have been wishing for another you to appear in my life. No luck till now.

To JB – You came at a time that I was broken. You said that you would stay no matter what. You said that I could never push you away. You said that this was it. You may not have meant to lie. You may have meant it at the time you were talking about it but I know that you no longer mean it. No guarantees. You have been breaking my heart one piece at a time. I don’t know if it will survive. I don’t know if it should survive. I am lost. I want to believe in love again but I know I shouldn't. No guarantees.

To RA – You are my karma. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The love I gave you, you did not deserve even a single ounce. You did not love me. You used me; for whatever purpose, I do not know. You love only yourself. It’s all about you, your needs, your demands, your wants, your desires.

You cheated on me. You introduced your girlfriend to me. You give me flowers and expect me to be okay immediately; like cheating on me when I was the one making a living for us was okay. You hit me, and then in the next minute kiss me and say sorry. Then you blame me. “Ikaw kasi e.” You told me that no one else will ever want me. You told me that no one else will have me. You told me that you haven’t slept with me for some time because I am fat and ugly. You told me how can you love me when I look like the way I looked. You pushed me off the edge of the bed when I was 5 months pregnant. You pushed me again and threatened to burn down the house when I was 8 months pregnant. You always threaten to leave me. I always begged. You made me kneel and I did. I begged; because I love you.

You cheated on me again. Phone bills were really high but you never called me; you were calling her. My own Mom saw you sneaking out when I'm sleeping so you could chat with her at the corner of our house. You wouldn’t come home at times and when you do, you’d tell me you spend the night at a motel. You force me to do things that I do not want. You force me to perform thing I do not want to do. You humiliated me in front of your family, your relatives, and our friends and I thought it was my fault because you kept saying it was my fault.

Slowly, you were able to do what no one else could, not even my own father. You made me doubt myself. You made me believe that yes, I am not worth loving. You made me think that maybe, I did do something to deserve being treated that way. After all, you were Mr. Nice Guy in the office and I was this bitch who couldn’t bother to smile at everyone. You stripped me of my self confidence. I felt I was not worth anything.

You broke me. I no longer know if I can ever be mended. I push away people I love and people who love me because irrationally, I believe you. I believe that no one will ever want me, or love me, or stick with me. How can they when the father of my own child did not? How can they when the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with treated my like dirt?

I am broken. I do not know if I will ever mend.

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